Suzanne Ragan Lentz

I am in the process of renting a space of my own. A room with a view where I will meet clients to help them discover their soul’s work. That yet unrecovered notion that sets them ablaze.

Twice in the leasing process, I have been on the verge of full-on anxiety attacks. And I am writing this particular story today because I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I know that other folks go through seemingly normal everyday occurrences that totally freak them out.

This is not normal for me… anxiety attacks over leases.

Yesterday’s inner monologue had to do with my amazing mentees and questioning how I could be having this much anxiety when I had helped them and other clients work through their bouts with anxiety in order to fully birth their work into the world.

And that is just it. I am birthing myself into the world. Again. Only this time in a more fully aligned way with my soul’s work and where my human existence is right now. The wonder and amazement of this moment is astonishing.

Luckily, I have an amazing inner circle. It is hard to count on just one person to be there for you all the time. So I am grateful for a circle that is big enough to handle the ebbs and flows that we each experience in life. And the most perfect folks showed up to cheer me on and help me dig deep to discover the real issue underlying all the anxiety.

The underlying issue has to do with feeling alone. Standing on my own two feet and forging ahead alone. It is connected to my story of 2005. It is connected to my father calling me every single day in my 20s. It stems from the illusion that my family would always have the ability to have my back. It is the reason why I stayed at my former day job for so long. That nestled feeling. That feeling of security.

I was reminded that my inner circle had my back. And that my inner circle is not just based in this life but also includes those who have passed to the other side. My grandmother, great aunt, and godmother have each watched over me since leaving this life and have provided comfort in the face of many of life’s challenges. It also shine a light on why I was watching so much Long Island Medium yesterday.

Have you discovered the root from where your anxiety stems?

Do you know who your helpers are in the unseen world?

xoxoxo, s

St. Patrick’s Day is not about getting drunk in spite of what society in the States tells us. The root comes from St. Patrick ridding the Isle of snakes in the from of Pagans by converting them to Christianity. And today is a way for the Irish diaspora to reconnect with their heritage.

For me it highlights the loss of my grandmother whom I never knew in physical form, though she has been with me since conception. And the loss of her sister whom I adored, and a piece of myself, a version of myself that I left in Ireland 16 years ago. A version of myself that could have been or was, and a love that I held so dear who passed this past year.

That brilliance, that fire of what could have been if we had met at a different time and place. It took me a long time to come back to the reality of what is in the here and now. And my want of that feeling again led me astray into a relationship with a man who could never tell me that he loved me. A man cruel in his distance and living deep within his addictions.

I gave him full reign — the space to go through whatever he was going through. Naiveté led me to believe him to be an honest man and that he would speak his truth when he was ready. However, truth did not exist for him until he was cornered to admit the magnitude of his betrayal by his 9-month old son’s mother. A son born on my birthday, a product of his years of philandering.

This was 2005. The start of a year that nearly shattered my existence as the snakes in the form of falsehoods showed themselves all around me. This was the start of my awakening as I dove deeper into my Kundalini yoga practice and started to build a life based on my needs.

I moved into a 350 sq ft apartment a couple of blocks from Greenlake in Seattle as I could not imagine occupying any space bigger and walks around the lake provided solace. It was the perfect cocoon in which to lick my wounds from those unspoken acts. It was the untruths that did me in as it was a relationship that I was surprised to still be in. The lying is what shattered me… the facade.

Months later the nuclear family that I was born into imploded as the untruths mounted and the depth of my father’s addictions came to light. I was implicated to knowing about the facade my father constructed in spite of living 3000 miles away. My guilt lies in saying yes to what was asked of me in order to keep the family facade from perishing sooner in spite of it never feeling right in my gut. My regret is in saying yes.

Finally saying no, however, was the best decision I ever made for my self. It is the one thing that I do not regret. Even now after almost 9 years of the “silent treatment” from my brother and having no relationship with my niece and nephews who have been born during this time.

There is no regret because I followed my gut. I listened to the messages and the visions. It was a struggle to come to this place of making a decision for me and my best interest rather than for the greater “good”.

This is the moment that I said “YES” to me.

And I was exiled for it. Partly self-exilation and partly banishment. In December of that year when my brother flew my parents to LA for Christmas I thought I might die. But I didn’t. The wound was cut so deep and all I could do was cry and comply to my friends who cared for me. Those who guaranteed my passage through the fire.

On the other side I discovered energy coming out of the palms of my hands after a Kundalini yoga class. And so begins my journey to the place in which I inhabit today. A place of health and healing and light where I am able to help others follow what their gut is telling them in spite of years of not trusting that feeling.

I am a testament to the resilience that exists within the human condition. The most wondrous quality that we each carry. You are more resilient than you know.

xoxo, s